so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
