and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this just has baby written all over it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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