from now on my penis is your penis
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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