It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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