just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
His nipple licking is glorious
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
