when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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