# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I could fuck to npr.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
