i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
