Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A+ Viking dick
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
