I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
