what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
