Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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