i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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