i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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