This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
