I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
