Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
