I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
