yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
