trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
