Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
