I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
