woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
