my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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