Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
