I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
