He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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