oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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