and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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