I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
