Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
