I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
