This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
this hospital has no fireball
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
