he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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