um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
