My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
