Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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