i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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