I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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