a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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