a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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