Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores