Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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