My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
