you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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