wanna go halves on a baby?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
