Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
