oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.