the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
