Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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