I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
