i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
