i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
