News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
