you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
