He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
