I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
