Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just want nice things and good sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
