im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
