he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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