i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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